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Intelligent Life (A Poem)

Intelligent Life

separation

An alien king came to my front door
On his search for intelligent life
I thought he was after my brain for sure
Then he left with my kids and my wife…
Intelligent Life copy
ILLUSTRATION BY PHIL ROOD. PLEASE VISIT PHILROOD.COM. YOU WILL BE HAPPIER FOR HAVING DONE SO.
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Love Hurts (A Poem)

Love Hurts

separation

If you ever feel sad
And need a good squeeze
I’ll give you a hug
I’m just what you need
separation
But if you need a hug
Now isn’t the time
I have to recover
From a sad porcupine
Love Hurts copy
ILLUSTRATION BY PHIL ROOD. PLEASE VISIT PHILROOD.COM. YOU WILL BE HAPPIER FOR HAVING DONE SO.
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Killer (A Poem)

Killer copy

Killer*

Written by Michael Haase, illustrated by Phil Rood
separation
Killer was the meanest dog in town,
with sharp teeth and powerful jaws
Though only five pounds,
He was the toughest around
Defeating each ankle he saw
separation
ILLUSTRATION BY PHIL ROOD. PLEASE VISIT PHILROOD.COM. YOU WILL BE HAPPIER FOR HAVING DONE SO.
separation
*This poem dedicated to my second dog growing up, a small poodle that showed up on our doorstep. My mother ironically named him “Killer.” He was a good little pooch, even though he had a tendency to hallucinate…except for that one time you kept barking at the basement wall…yes, there was a dead squirrel in there. That one time. Good dog. RIP Killer. Hope you and Chip are living it up somewhere.
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The Colossal Climb (A Poem)

The Colossal Climb copy

 

The Colossal Climb

Written by Michael Haase, illustrated by Phil Rood

 

This tree was made for conquering
I say it had it coming
I’m perched up on its tallest branch
Smiling as I’m humming

 

The tallest oak in all the town
Was begging me to climb
I trained for months just for this day
Today, it was my time

 

Countless kids have tried before
But they quit too early
I am the first one to the top
So I’m the toughest, surely

 

So I’m sitting up here happily
Above the kids in town
I am the best at climbing up
But I fear I can’t get down
ILLUSTRATION BY PHIL ROOD. PLEASE VISIT PHILROOD.COM. YOU WILL BE HAPPIER FOR HAVING DONE SO.
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No Princesses Here (A Poem)

No Princesses copy

No Princesses Here

When Cindy grows up, she will be a dinosaur

A T-Rex, as a matter of fact

And sweet little Molly wants to be a fierce shark

A great white, to be exact

Then there is Jesse, the smallest of all

Who will lead a lion attack

And if you tell these girls they should be princesses

You might wish to take those words back

Otherwise…

Cindy will roar with tremendous strength

And ask “Are you trying to bore us?

Why would I be some frilly princess

When I can be a Tyrannosaurus?”

Then Molly will flash her sharp-toothed smile

And say, “I resent that remark.

Why would I be some helpless princess

When I am queen of the sharks?”

And if Cindy’s roar and Molly’s bite

Don’t make you take back what you’ve said

Then sweet Jesse, the greatest lion who lived

Will pounce and bite off your head

 

ILLUSTRATION BY PHIL ROOD. PLEASE VISIT PHILROOD.COM. YOU WILL BE HAPPIER FOR HAVING DONE SO.

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Hungry (A Poem)

Hungry

Hungry

We welcomed him into our home

He had no place to stay

He was cute until we gave him food

Now he will not go away

At first, his appetite was mild

But then he just kept growing

What is the biggest he will get?

There is no way of knowing

He ate everything in the fridge

But still he needed more

We barely squeezed him in our car

To take him to the store

We filled up two whole grocery carts

But that only made him mad

He would not stop his awful screaming

‘Till we bought up all they had

An entire town’s worth of food

Only lasted him a week

And he expanded to fill up our house

From its basement to its peak

He was once a cute and cuddly thing

Until our house he did destroy

But I guess many others lost their home

Trying to feed a baby boy…

ILLUSTRATION BY PHIL ROOD. PLEASE VISIT PHILROOD.COM. YOU WILL BE HAPPIER FOR HAVING DONE SO.

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The Strange Beast (A Poem)

Strange Beast

The Strange Beast

What is that foul thing?

What on earth could it be?

There’s something revolting

Staring straight back at me

It might be a bear

Since it’s furry and grumpy

But it could be a tortoise

Slow-moving and lumpy

Or is it a skunk?

My, it sure does stink!

I’ve not seen it before

I’m not sure what to think

I woke not long ago

And I am still groggy

My eyes have no focus

My brain is still foggy

With a yawn and a stretch

It’s now quite plain to see

This is a mirror, not a window

That strange beast, well, it’s me.

ILLUSTRATION BY PHIL ROOD. PLEASE VISIT PHILROOD.COM. YOU WILL BE HAPPIER FOR HAVING DONE SO.

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I Ate My Dog (A Poem)

Roast Dog

I Ate My Dog

My hunger was great, and to help it to end

I roasted and gobbled up man’s best friend

I had raised my dog from a very young year

I knew all he ate; no reason to fear

People eat animals all of the time

Eating cows and piglets is never a crime

So why is everyone angry with me?

I ate my own dog, he was mine, don’t you see?

If I owned a duck and yet called it a pet

I could still eat its eggs and roast up its breast

If I raised a cow, then it would be quite okay

To chomp on their calf, grown strong from my hay

But I ate my pet dog, and you’re all so upset

“Why, oh why, would you eat your own pet?”

You’ll be happy to know, I won’t do it again

He tasted quite awful, my so-called best friend…

Illustration by Phil Rood. Please visit philrood.com. You will be happier for having done so.