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The Tale of Why I'm Afraid of Birds

December 30, 2015:
Yesterday, I found out that a family of birds had pecked their way through the screen in one of our attic vents and made a nice nest in the very back of our attic. We always saw birds on our roof, but never thought they had made it inside.
I found this all out last night when I was starting to put away the Christmas stuff and a stupid damned sparrow started flying all around my head. It seemed confused by the light in the attic being on and still had a way of leaving, so I closed the attic for a while to give the bird a break and leave of its own accord. A while later, I went back in and there was no sign of the bird, so I put the rest of the Christmas stuff away, and put some poster board over the vent to cover it until I could get some screen for the repair in the morning.
This morning, however, we could clearly hear a bird flying around in the attic. Shit. Where was it hiding last night? Did the birds break through my impenetrable poster board? As I left to get some screen and a stapler, I saw a gang of birds perched outside our vent, unable to get inside (pictured). They had a member of their idiot gang still trapped inside our attic, obviously. Sigh…
Birds on roof
Once I came back, I ventured into the attic with gloves and a blanket to catch the bird, and I took my screen up to repair the hole. The moron bird started flapping around like a buffoon as soon as I opened the attic ladder. I climbed up and put a piece of cardboard over the attic entrance behind me so the bird wouldn’t fly down into the rest of the house (did I mention that dada being up in the attic crawling around and yelling obscenities at a simpleton bird the previous night scared my daughter tremendously? Whoops. At this point in our tale, Penny and MargieĀ are downstairs eating breakfast).
I crawled all over the attic and saw no more signs of the bird. It was hiding somewhere. I had no other choice but to start unpacking the screen to get ready to repair the vent, all the while with thoughts of how I’d never get the bird out until it became a dead, rotting bird that spent its last finding the most impossible part of my attic from which a tiny bird body could be extracted. It was time for Margie to leave for her OB appointment, so I left everything up in the attic, resigning myself to the task of bird body removal sometime in the spring.
I climbed down, closed the attic, and then walked by Penelope’s room…
…where the stupid bird had ended up! It must have hopped down through one of the small gaps in my cardboard cover and flew toward the nearest windows, which were naturally in the bedroom of the toddler who was now working on a lifetime fear of birds thanks to the ruckus in the attic and the cursing of all things bird performed by her dada the previous evening.
I slammed her door shut, climbed back up to the attic to get my gloves and bird extraction blanket, and then came back down to shut myself into Penny’s room to do battle. Immediately after shutting myself in with the dumbass creature, it started flapping all around the damned room like an idiot, running itself into all of the walls and windows while I’m throwing a blanket arbitrarily into the air and making up cuss word combinations (I think “stupid bird bitch” came out of my mouth). Finally, the peanut-brained idiot moron sparrow flew under Penny’s crib and stayed put. I took the opportunity to open Penny’s window and screen, then I shook the shit out of Penny’s crib to scare the bird out. Naturally, it first flew into the door. After bullfighting the bird with the blanket for a minute, watching it hit every wall and part of the window except for the OPEN PART, it finally found its dumb way to freedom.
If you are one of my neighbors and you were just outside a little while ago, I hope this explains things. Without the back story, all you saw was a window and a screen open on my house, followed by a bunch of yelling and noise, followed by a bird flying out with me sticking my head out and yelling “BYE FELICIA!” and then slamming the window closed.
Sorry about that…
Now, I’m off to go read some board books about birds with my daughter so I can change the words and tell her how dumb they are…
I gulp ferociously from the cup of life at times.
Kunt bird
May 14, 2017:
We were playing outside this week and I noticed a damned idiot bird taking what looked like a worm into our attic vent. After the first encounter, I had thought the problem was solved with two layers of metal screen secured by industrial staples…not true, it turns out. Reluctantly, I climbed up into our attic, armed with gloves and a tennis racket, ready to serve up some justice.
And to think I bought them a bird feeder…
But when I got up there, the joke was on me. Not only had these damned idiot birds pecked their way through two layers of metal, they also procured enough straw, sticks, and other various neighborhood fodder in order to make the mother of all nests, standing nearly three feet tall…

Seriously. Check out the pictures. When I saw this enormous, ridiculous nest, I knew that I was not just dealing with your run-of-the-mill sparrows…these are some birds requiring some serious mental health assistance. I have no idea how long they were at it, as they either worked in perfect silence or waited until we were not at home to work on this nest. When I saw it, I was truly disturbed, not 100% certain that I wouldn’t find some missing neighborhood child wrapped up amongst all of the entirely unnecessary amounts of nesting material. It took two trash bags to get rid of it all.
garbage bags
I love my house. I get the motivation to live here. But what these birds did was look at my vent and apparently think to themselves: “Not a bad place for a nest. It just needs two weeks’ worth of pecking through metal, and then after that, all we have to do is find one of the cocoons from Alien, wrap it in straw, force it in through the vent, then settle ourselves in without ever laying an egg. It’s a lot of work for no reason whatsoever, but man, the location!”
I am afraid of these birds. They are insane. Between these sparrows, the ravens in the backyard that dive-bomb our dog every spring, and the birds that lived in the neighbors’ tree last year (their chick fell out of the nest, so I put it back in, and as soon as I did, mom and dad bird swooped down and kicked the chick back out rather brutally), I have a developing phobia of birds. These idiot creatures disturb me.
Anyone want a free bird feeder?

1 thought on “The Tale of Why I'm Afraid of Birds

  1. […] for more practical reasons, like cleaning my gutters or performing stakeouts on my rooftop to kill psychotic birds before they lay an insane nest inside of my attic…that sort of normal, everyday stuff. Never, to scale buildings for YouTube […]

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