I caught myself watching Holocaust – a mini-series from 1978 on Fox Classics (it’s continuing tomorrow night if anyone’s interested). Meryl Streep and that lovely actress that plays Aunt May in the recent Spider Man movies. They’re both so very believable. And Nigel Hawthorne (of Yes Minister fame) makes a surprise appearance as one of the upper-echelon type Nazis tasked with murdering Jews at every town and village they enter. It shows how they scoff at this ridiculous order from Hitler y’s'v – but they still carry it out. It’s interesting that like in Star Wars, the ruthless, efficient bad guys are also here played by English actors by and large, whereas the good guys are American-accented.

It was of course difficult to watch.

It’s hard to believe that I’m what they were after, only 60 years ago.

I thought a number of things. I’ve dreamt about being hunted by Nazis.

In real life, there were actually helicopters outside my parent’s place tonight for a few hours- search and rescue. I said a prayer to G-d that whoever was being looked for would be found safe and sound. I thought of what it would be like with choppers chasing me with spotlights (yes, I guess I’ve seen too many movies – the Nazis wouldn’t have used them much, if at all). But I did recall the words to one song that ‘gets’ me every time I hear it, I Was Only Nineteen:

“And can you tell me, doctor, why I still can’t get to sleep?
And why the Channel Seven chopper chills me to my feet?
And what’s this rash that comes and goes, can you tell me what it means?
God help me, I was only nineteen.”

As one can tell, it deals with a war veteran’s ongoing trauma, decades after. It was on one of my Dad’s famous (to us kids) compilation tapes from when we were young; it had a major impact on me growing up.

That’s certainly what it is like to be a Holocaust survivor too. The dreams haunt you every night. My own grandmother has suffered this especially in recent years.

Part of the curse in the Torah, should we stray from its dictates, is that when the night time comes, we will say ‘please give back the day’, and when the day comes, we will beg for the night. How can a survivor close their eyes comfortably for sleep, and how can they open them in the morning? Hope? Forgetfulness? – I’m sure such things play a part.

A friend from work told me about an Andrew Denton interview she watched with her Mum on ABC’s Elders. A Holocaust survivor, Helen Bamber, was the interviewee. One thing Bamber laments is that humanity is so terrible at learning. She says the stories have to be told over and over again, and less and less people want to endure the pain of listening. She is a ‘witness to the vulnerability of humanity’, and what else is protection against such vulnerability than the inoculation of moral education? My colleague said she and her mother were so greatly unsettled by Bamber’s harrowing story. And it is – they all are, unsettling stories.

I just keep wondering, after all we’ve been through as a people, how come every Jew doesn’t cry for a few minutes each and every morning when they wake up? I’m just amazed that we all don’t ‘have it out’ every morning a little, before we put on a face for the world and everyone in it, pretending everything’s alright, and that we aren’t changed, and that we can still smile brightly, and certainly the world has progressed and isn’t after us anymore? (Because we know it’s not so).

And now I remember, there is a law, that every Jew is to awaken at midnight almost every night, and sit on the floor, put ashes on their head, and weep and mourn like we do on the 9th of the Jewish month of Av (over the loss of our Temples, and all the tragedies that have happened to us over our long history). It is codified, but few people I know actually do it. It’s called Tikkun Hatzot – the Rectification at Midnight. Rectification of our actions, of the world around us and so on.

With just a few tomes and movies and such produced, I think I’ll leave the bulk of this particular task to Elie Wiesel and others. They are eminently more capable. But these were some of my thoughts tonight. Perhaps they are indicative of what many of us – Jew and Gentile alike – think about and feel from time to time.